This picture is me last night. Completely and utterly done in. The only reason there is a filter on it is 1: I wanted to emphasise the fact that I’d been crying and 2: My skin was so blotchy I wasn’t brave enough to reveal the true ugliness. But I will reveal the ugliness of the situation.
I’m constantly in awe of Mums on Instagram and Facebook who post pics of themselves always looking shiny and beautiful. And the kids looking super cute.
And honestly, that is NOT a criticism. Like I said, I’m in awe. I wish that could be me. I don’t know if it’s real or not. I wish I done Yoga in the morning. I wish I could post Insta worthy breakfasts even once a week. I wish I could hashtag #mumlife and appear in the top 9 pictures looking both wholesome and fuckable. But I can’t. That’s just not my reality and never will be. (But just so you gorgeous mums know, I’ll still follow you and aspire to be like you. I just know deep down that’ll never be me).
Instead, this is me. And I ALWAYS said I would keep stuff real.
I’m exhausted. No mental health issues. Which is bloody ironic. I finally get a bit of clarity in my head and then plain and simple exhaustion decides to bring me down.
I’ve worked more than normal recently. And although I love my job and my family, I feel like I’m running on empty. (That running on empty bit is a nod to a fellow blogger. I totally get you and completely understand your post yesterday. You know who you are.)
Yesterday, at about 8pm I had a bit of a breakdown. I cried and shouted. I made my 10yr old feel like shit. I ranted that I don’t get enough help around the house and that I’m sick of being taken for granted.
So I done what any self respecting, normal mum would do and barricaded myself in the bathroom and let the ridiculously expensive Benefit mascara run rivulets down my face.
I became Charlotte from Sex and The City 2. Where she locks herself in the pantry and screams and cries. It’s a TOTALLY relatable moment. But she’s pretty and has a perfect outfit and apron on. I had a stained and sweaty Selfish Mother top on that I’d probably wore to bed the night before. And I don’t have a pantry. Just a bathroom that desperately needs cleaned.
But still, the feelings are the same.
I felt absolutely awful that my girls seen me like that. They cried. I cried. We cuddled and I cried some more.
The tiredness is unreal. I would give ANYTHING to have an undisturbed 12 hours.
But that’s the thing. When you’re a Mum, you just can’t. Well, sometimes I can because I have an awesome husband but recently things have been so busy that we’ve both been existing on about 5 hours a night…
I feel like I’m spreading myself too thinly. Like I said to a friend last night, I know I can be good at my job, I know I can be a good Mum and I know I can be a good wife. But right now I feel like I can’t be them all. I’m drained.
The same friend said I shouldn’t beat myself up about showing weakness in front of my daughter’s. That it shows them I’m real. A person and not just a Mum.
And that helped. Enormously.
I put the girls to bed with a towel wrapped round my wet air because I couldn’t be arsed drying it. I fell asleep next to Abigail with her playing with my hair and telling me she’ll help whenever I need it. I told her I was sorry for being grumpy and crying.
I felt bad. Because she’s 10. And probably shouldn’t bear the burden of a stressed out Mum.
But then, I’m only human. And they need to see my flaws and vulnerability.
I worked with a fellow Mum tonight who’s a brilliant friend as well as an amazing colleague. And she gets it too. The guilt. The tiredness. The shittiness of everyday life. And it felt so good to rant. Especially the giggles about how I left my husband in Blackpool but only got as far as Poundland.
And then another lovely friend who had watched my girls while I worked, poured me a glass of wine as soon as I finished work.
And sometimes, it’s tiny little gestures like this that make your body and mind relax little bit more.
Everything feels a little bit better.
Now I better finish ranting. I need to be up at sunrise to do Yoga. I’m turning over a new leaf for peace of mind.
I’m drinking wine and watching Dragon’s Den.
But tomorrow is a new day. And I’ll try to be better.